Why “Coping Skills” Often Aren’t Enough for Anxiety

Many people come to therapy feeling frustrated with themselves because they know coping skills, and yet their anxiety is still there.

They can breathe deeply.
They can challenge anxious thoughts.
They’ve tried grounding, distraction, exercise, supplements, and all the “right” things.

And still, their body feels on edge. Their mind won’t settle. Or anxiety keeps returning in new forms.

When this happens, it’s not because you’re doing coping skills “wrong”. It’s usually because anxiety isn’t the real problem — it’s the signal. As I like to tell my clients, anxiety symptoms are a “check engine light.”

Coping skills are helpful… but limited

Coping skills are designed to help you get through moments of distress. They can reduce intensity, offer relief, and help you function when anxiety spikes. For many people, they’re an important starting point.

But coping skills tend to work top-down — they rely on conscious effort and behavior. Anxiety, on the other hand, is often bottom-up. It lives in the nervous system and the body, not just in thoughts.

This is why someone can intellectually understand that they’re safe, yet still feel:

• Tightness in their chest
• A racing or fluttery heart
• Internal shaking or restlessness
• A sense that something is “off”
• Fear that comes out of nowhere

In those moments, telling yourself to calm down or reframe your thoughts may feel ineffective — or even invalidating.

Anxiety is often a nervous system pattern, not a mindset problem

For many of the clients I work with, anxiety isn’t about irrational thinking. It’s about a nervous system that, at some point, learned it needed to stay alert to stay safe.

This can come from:

• Chronic stress or burnout
• Early attachment wounds
• Trauma (including subtle or developmental trauma)
• Health scares or medical experiences
• Long periods of uncertainty or overwhelm

Over time, the body adapts. Hypervigilance becomes normal. The nervous system gets very good at scanning for danger — even when life is relatively stable. Stress turns into anxiety (more about the difference in this blog I wrote).

Coping skills don’t always reach this level of the system. They can help manage symptoms, but they don’t retrain the underlying patterns that keep anxiety alive.

Why does anxiety come back sometimes?

One reason people feel discouraged is that anxiety may improve for a while — then return differently.

Maybe the panic attacks stop, but health anxiety shows up. Or sleep improves, but there’s constant tension. Or the thoughts quiet down, but the body still feels activated.

This doesn’t mean therapy isn’t working. It usually means the nervous system is trying to maintain control in the only way it knows how. When treatment focuses only on symptom management, anxiety often finds another outlet.

What therapy for anxiety looks like

In my work, we go beyond “how do I calm this down?” and ask:

• Why does your nervous system feel unsafe right now?
• What patterns does your body rely on to protect you?
• What hasn’t been processed, integrated, or resolved yet?

This doesn’t mean endlessly reliving the past. It means working with anxiety at the level where it’s actually generated.

That may include:

• Slowing down and tracking body-based cues
• Understanding your unique anxiety pattern (not a generic model)
• Working with attachment and relational dynamics
• Gently expanding your window of tolerance
• Building safety inside the nervous system, not just coping on top of it

Over time, anxiety doesn’t just get quieter — it becomes less necessary.

Therapy isn’t about eliminating anxiety

Anxiety isn’t a flaw. It’s a protective response that once made sense.

The goal of therapy isn’t to get rid of anxiety completely. It’s to help your nervous system learn that it doesn’t need to work so hard anymore.

When that happens, clients often notice:

• Fewer sudden spikes
• Less fear of bodily sensations
• More emotional flexibility
• Greater trust in themselves
• A sense of steadiness that doesn’t rely on constant management

Coping skills can still be part of the picture — but they’re no longer the only line of defense.

You’re not failing at healing

If you’ve tried “all the tools” and still feel anxious, nothing is wrong with you.

It may simply be time for support that goes deeper than symptom control — support that understands anxiety as a whole-system experience, not just a thought problem to fix.

Therapy can be a place where your nervous system finally gets the message that it’s allowed to soften.

If you’d like to connect to learn how I can help with your anxiety recovery, please reach out here.